Menopause Rage: Why It Happens and What to Do

"You're getting angry for no reason again."

If you've heard that sentence you know exactly what goes with it. Your face goes hot, your chest goes tight, something tiny has happened and your reaction is massive. Much bigger than the situation calls for. And you can see it's bigger while it's happening and you still can't stop it.

That's menopause rage, or it's what a lot of us get told to call it. I'm Judi Shekoni, I'm 48, and this is my experience and my opinion, not medical advice. Anyone considering a change to medication, including HRT, should speak to their GP. But there's another side to this story and nobody else is telling it, so I will.

What is menopause rage?

Something small happens. You get a text message and you read it five times, your chest goes tight, your hands go clammy, your head starts to buzz and you're going over it and over it with thoughts you can't switch off. Then you either say far too much or you go quiet and say nothing at all.

That's how I describe a trigger. The anger that turns up in perimenopause and menopause can feel exactly the same, out of all proportion to the moment. And it's so frustrating, because somebody who might not even mean that much to you has control over you just by doing something simple.

Then comes the second hit. "You're hormonal." "You can't remember." "You forgot." "You're getting angry for no reason again."

Tell the world we're forgetful and foggy-headed and emotional and not sleeping and what have you done? Handed every douchebag in our life a list of reasons why all the problems start with us. We handed the enemy the weapon.

Why am I so angry in perimenopause?

I'm not a doctor, so I won't pretend to give you a medical answer. Here's what I think.

Seriously, imagine nobody had ever explained pregnancy to you. Your belly's swelling, something is moving around inside you, your boobs are leaking. You'd think you were dying, I would. You'd panic and lie awake, and then a doctor tells you your body's gone chaotic and here are some pills to make it stop, so you fight it. Every symptom. You'd be driven to the edge of madness and not because of what was happening to you, but because you didn't know what it was.

That's where a lot of women are with menopause right now.

Puberty happens to both sexes so it gets studied and explained. Pregnancy produces children and half of them are boys, so it's in everyone's interest to understand it. Menopause only happens to women. It was never in men's interest, so nobody bothered, and the story we got was your body's gone wrong, nature made a mistake, you're going a bit mad.

Nature didn't make a mistake. Nobody bothered to understand it.

And when you don't understand what's happening to you, you fight it, and fighting is exhausting. An exhausted woman who keeps being told she's the problem is going to get angry. I don't think that's much of a mystery.

Is it your hormones, or your life?

What if menopause isn't your hormones failing you? What if it's you finally feeling the cost of all the compromise, the making do, the sacrifice? The wrong husband, the wrong job, a life you've fallen out of love with.

Super mother, super wife, super friend. Super tired, super bored, super lost. When do you get to put the halo down and make yourself happy?

Anxiety isn't an affliction, it's an alarm bell. Something in your life needs to change.

I'm the crazy chick who says menopause isn't your body doing the dirty on you, it's your body done with you not listening to it.

How to deal with menopause rage

These are a few things I do. It's not a full list, and all of it works with nature, none of it fights it.

First, stop resisting. Don't fight it, let it in, digest it, let it run through you. I think resisting is where a lot of the misery comes from.

Then use the anger, which surprises people. Anger is one of my best tools for getting out of Survival Mode. We often collapse because we won't let ourselves get angry, and we abandon ourselves instead, and when we abandon ourselves the spark goes with it. So stand up for yourself. Not in a rage, just a clean refusal to disappear. It brings you back into the room, back into your body, back to yourself.

In my experience years of living leave a charge held in the body, so I clear it. That's Detriggering. A calm nervous system has nothing left to fight with.

And listen at 2am, the one hour nobody needs anything from you. Don't attack yourself for being awake. Ask what do you want me to do, what do you want to tell me, and write it down. 2am is when the whisper of revolution comes.

When something lands there's the S.H.I.F.T. Framework too: Spot, Hear, Interrupt, Find, Take action. Spot the moment meaning gets added. Don't add it, and wait. Then act from there. There's more on the Framework page.

Menopause is not the end of anything

There's a second side to this story, which is why I put it in a free guide, Menopause Is the Best. Clarity. Memory. Energy. Intuition. Authority. And a woman who listens to her intuition is a liability, you can't gaslight her, you can't trick her, you can't convince her she's wrong.

You don't need anyone's permission any more. Not a husband's, not a doctor's, not the world's. Menopause isn't the end of anything. It's the start of the part that's actually yours.

My experience and opinion, not medical advice. Anyone considering a change to medication, including HRT, should speak to their GP.